Thinking

I have lived a life that I can only describe as absent.

I have been absent in my whole life, just drifting from one place to the next based upon what others demand of me, and I have forced myself to accept that this is simply how life is: we do what others demand of us because it is easier than fighting for a future that one is not necessarily certain will be successful.

Two days ago I found myself in a depressive slump.

I cannot recall the trigger, but I know it had to do with money. Right now, I have £61 in my bank and with no current job over the horizon this number becomes an obsession of mine. £61 is my life, and it is not going to improve for some time.

I thought to myself, in this moment, why am I so obsessed with money?

The answer is simple: life is run by money. Money buys you food, buys you clothes, buys you a house, and a car, and a pet and all the things that you expect will buy you happiness, and yet whenever I spend money on these things I feel dissatisfied.

I feel like I am trying to fill a hole that will never be closed.

Why do I have a hole? How do I get rid of it?

It was as I thought about this that I remembered the moments that kept me from feeling empty.
I felt less empty when I was not stagnant.

Whenever I remain in one place I become bored, and when I am bored I eat a lot and I spend a lot on things that I do not want or need.

When I am travelling, I am more focused on myself.

I focus on my footsteps. I focus on my breathing. I focus on how much noise I make, what I am looking at, and what I am feeling.

I feel more free when I am wandering because I do not have to think on anything but what is immediately before me.

To focus on wandering is to focus on the present, and when I am stagnant I so often become obsessed with my past and my future; I focus on what I cannot control and what I know nothing of and I cannot be rid of the dread that comes with this.

So, I concluded to myself that there were two things I could do.

I could continue to obsess over money and thus my stagnant life.

Or, I could leave.

I have chosen, in a year's time, to leave.

I have given myself a year so that I can finish my university course and have experience working in a job before I abandon this life.

So far, I have earned £10 from online surveys to start up towards paying for my trip and will be returning to the mainland of Scotland tomorrow.

I am planning my trip now. I intend to explore the entirety of the United Kingdom.

And I intend to do it all by foot.