Wandering Into The Woods

I have made it a habit of mine to clean up the woods whenever the opportunity, and the weather, allows for it. This stemmed from a sudden bout of activity after I pulled myself out of a severe depressive episode where I decided that I wanted people to remember me; and taking on the duty of cleaning up so that when I left the village I was raised in people would feel my absence.

A terribly selfish thing to do, I understand.

However, it is only after having done this for a year that I realise I have forcibly bound myself to this place when the last thing I want is to be trapped at all. I have given myself an obligation to clean up the forest or face my own guilty conscience, and in return I have left myself in a predicament where I will be leaving within the next month or two whilst knowing full well that my absence from an area will have a negative impact upon the fauna there.

So I have taken an alternative route.

I am planting wildflower in the area before I leave it for good. The wildflower will not need constant maintenance and will stay long after I leave, and so my guilty conscience can be eased somewhat by the acknowledgement that I still had a positive impact on my environment.

I say this here because I know in travelling my mind will be compelled to clean up areas that have become dumping sites for other travellers, and part of me will try to clean up those areas knowing that my efforts are in vain so long as there is material out there that does not decompose rapidly.

I have to force myself out of this mindset that I must stay in a place and constantly survey it to keep it clean. That is an impossible task and one that will not be achieved within my lifespan: not so long as people are compelled to dump rubbish.

So, instead, I will scatter wildflowers across any area I travel through. Even if the seeds are eaten it still has a positive impact upon the environment and it is certainly better than brewing miserably in my own guilt for the laziness of others.

On that note, I will not stop cleaning my surrounding environment until after I leave the area. I am not the only one doing this after all.

Thinking

I have lived a life that I can only describe as absent.

I have been absent in my whole life, just drifting from one place to the next based upon what others demand of me, and I have forced myself to accept that this is simply how life is: we do what others demand of us because it is easier than fighting for a future that one is not necessarily certain will be successful.

Two days ago I found myself in a depressive slump.

I cannot recall the trigger, but I know it had to do with money. Right now, I have £61 in my bank and with no current job over the horizon this number becomes an obsession of mine. £61 is my life, and it is not going to improve for some time.

I thought to myself, in this moment, why am I so obsessed with money?

The answer is simple: life is run by money. Money buys you food, buys you clothes, buys you a house, and a car, and a pet and all the things that you expect will buy you happiness, and yet whenever I spend money on these things I feel dissatisfied.

I feel like I am trying to fill a hole that will never be closed.

Why do I have a hole? How do I get rid of it?

It was as I thought about this that I remembered the moments that kept me from feeling empty.
I felt less empty when I was not stagnant.

Whenever I remain in one place I become bored, and when I am bored I eat a lot and I spend a lot on things that I do not want or need.

When I am travelling, I am more focused on myself.

I focus on my footsteps. I focus on my breathing. I focus on how much noise I make, what I am looking at, and what I am feeling.

I feel more free when I am wandering because I do not have to think on anything but what is immediately before me.

To focus on wandering is to focus on the present, and when I am stagnant I so often become obsessed with my past and my future; I focus on what I cannot control and what I know nothing of and I cannot be rid of the dread that comes with this.

So, I concluded to myself that there were two things I could do.

I could continue to obsess over money and thus my stagnant life.

Or, I could leave.

I have chosen, in a year's time, to leave.

I have given myself a year so that I can finish my university course and have experience working in a job before I abandon this life.

So far, I have earned £10 from online surveys to start up towards paying for my trip and will be returning to the mainland of Scotland tomorrow.

I am planning my trip now. I intend to explore the entirety of the United Kingdom.

And I intend to do it all by foot.